My biggest fear in life is to die alone and forgotten.
I’m 28, single, and work a job that means I’m never around for very long, and so meeting someone becomes difficult, but not impossible.
Every woman I’ve dated in the last year always says they can handle the constant travelling, and yet every single one will eventually break up with me because I am abroad so often.
I know what I want in life, and yet, I feel this gnawing at my soul that without someone to experience these moments with, what worth does it have?
Maybe I’m trying to force it, and maybe it’s anxiety, but there is one ex, who’s haunts me when I see photos of her. I miss the way she would make me feel and that sense of connection we had, and now I know what I’m missing, because for a fleeting moment, I had it.
I want to feel that jump in my heart when a person I love grabs my hand and says “hey” and you see that smile.
I want to go on adventures, where everything is an adventure, even something as mundane as getting milk becomes a memory because you’re doing it with the right person. I want to be led, and to lead, I want to share ideas and have conversations, to meet a person with opinions I can share with, and for us to grow in every sense of the word together.
I want to get excited at the thought of seeing her, and be even more excited when I return from abroad because I know she’s there. Hell, I want her to come with me.
I want to feel her hand on my face, and when she says “it’s ok” for the world to go on mute, because she glows so brightly, that I see nothing else.
I want to find someone in this world who wants to share their life with me, and for me to share mine with her, I want to feel like we’re a team, and that regardless of the squabbling and the inevitable fights, the move we share trumps all.
I want someone who isn’t going to tell me they’re intimidated by me (it’s happened in 3 relationships) because I don’t understand it. Why be intimidated? I share my life and they share theirs, I’m not keeping score, why would the other person?
I want to love, and to be loved, but really, I fear that I’m just going to be here, in 20 years, saying the same thing.